


Remembrance

by boneswrites



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, M/M, Missing Scene, Once again Leonard has proven to be Jim's protector, Set during Into Darkness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-23
Updated: 2016-05-23
Packaged: 2018-06-10 07:29:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,432
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6945640
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/boneswrites/pseuds/boneswrites
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Missing scene between the attack on Starfleet HQ and Spock contacting Jim telling him Scotty wants to see them, with a little fast-forward into the future after.</p><p>Jim wanders around, disoriented and stumbles into Leonard. And Leonard comforts Jim and helps him deal with the loss, mourning together and Leonard manages to talk Jim off the cliff he so desperately wants to jump off. And together, they make some amends.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Remembrance

**Author's Note:**

> I was rewatching Into Darkness a few days ago and this idea took over my mind. I felt like something was missing, even if Leonard had just comforted Jim as a friend in the film. I know Jim is an all hands on guy and he deals with his feelings and even grief in a I'm-going-to-get-revenge state but I feel like he didn't really take the time to mourn Pike. Or he wasn't allowed the time. Or everything went by too fast. Anywho, after some thought, this piece was born. I hope I did it justice. Feedback is always greatly appreciated!

Jim couldn’t see where he was going. His vision blurry, his eyes burning and his heart shattering. His legs carried him aimlessly, walking through the debris of the attack, pieces of concrete mingled with shards of glass scattered all over the place. Jim wasn’t aware that Leonard was frantically looking around for him.

He had taken it pretty hard, having the Enterprise taken away from him and getting himself demoted, Jim was this close to losing it. He told Leonard about the ship but didn’t get the chance to tell him that he was going to be Pike’s First Officer. And now, there was no reason to tell him. Because Pike is dead, so once again, Jim is the Captain of the Enterprise. Nothing has changed. Except that everything has.

Jim walked among the chaos, the noise blocked out and his eyesight narrowed, blackness sitting at the edges and Jim knew what that meant. He was going to pass out soon. He just needed to find Leonard before that happened. Jim bumped into someone and was immediately engulfed by strong hands.

Leonard.

Jim leaned into the familiar touch and wrapped his arms around the firm chest, burying his face in Leonard’s neck. He heard the doctor speak.

“Oh my God, Jim, there you are,” Leonard sighed.

Jim nodded, a tear slipping down his cheek.

“I was so worried, I heard about the attack and I knew you were in there,” Leonard cradled the back of Jim’s neck and pulled back, giving himself the chance to look over Jim properly. “I got here as fast as I could. Are you all right? Are you hurt anywhere?”

Leonard inspected Jim’s face, aside from a few cuts, he seemed fine. What shook the older man, however, were Jim’s eyes. They were hollow and lifeless, everything Jim held in his eyes had disappeared. The silver spark Leonard adored so much was gone. Seconds later, he knew why.

Physically, Jim was fine. Psychologically, that was a whole other matter.

Jim swallowed, meeting Leonard’s hazel eyes. “Pike’s dead.”

Leonard’s mouth hung open, his eyes going wide with horror and shock, visibly flinching his head backwards. Pike was the reason he joined the Academy, same as Jim. Leonard owed him so much, and now he would never be able to repay him. Leonard did promise Pike one thing: to take care of Jim. He’d be damned if he’d break that promise as long he lives.

Pike had called Leonard into his office one month before the attack on Vulcan, when he found out that he and Jim were together. Being Jim’s father figure, he gave Leonard the usual ‘hurt him and I’ll kill you’ speech but it went beyond that, and Leonard knew it. Pike had asked if his feelings for Jim were genuine and if it wasn’t just a fling because Pike knew that Jim had been hung up on Leonard since they met on the shuttle at Riverside. Leonard had replied with a simple yes, telling Pike that what he feels for Jim is the realest thing he had ever felt. Pike smiled, patting Leonard on the shoulder and expressed his utmost happiness and gave his blessing. That is something Leonard will hold onto for the rest of his life.

Leonard pulled Jim back into his chest, running his hand through the short blond hair at the bottom of Jim’s head. “Oh Jim, I…”

“He was right there,” Jim sobbed. “It all happened so quickly—I didn’t see it but I found him—Spock was next to him and he was just lying there.”

“It’s okay, it’s okay,” Leonard closed his eyes, a stray tear rolling down his face.

“It’s not fair, it’s not fair,” Jim shook his head.

“No, it’s not,” Leonard sighed, holding Jim tighter.

A breeze blew, and despite his heavy uniform, Jim shivered.

“Come on, lets get you checked out,” Leonard suggested, untangling himself from Jim and took his hand.

Jim didn’t argue. That increased Leonard’s worry.

They walked the few blocks towards Starfleet Medical and entered the ER. They were led into an exam room and Jim never loosened his death grip on Leonard’s hand.

Later, Jim would tell Leonard about the conversation he had with Pike in the bar.

Later, Jim would tell Leonard that Pike had once again saved his ass.

Later, Jim would tell Leonard that he was going to be Pike’s First Officer.

Later, Jim would tell Leonard that he no longer wants to be the Captain.

Later because Jim didn’t speak for two days.

Leonard hovered near, but not too close to suffocate Jim. He knew this is how Jim dealt with everything, stuffing it down until it’s eventually forgotten and Leonard didn’t quite approve of his boyfriend’s method of coping. Yet again, there wasn’t much the doctor could do. Starting a conversation with Jim about it will lead to an explosion and that won’t make matters any easier. So Leonard stayed silent, stayed close, keeping a constant eye on Jim and waited.

It happened in the middle of the night. Leonard turned over on the mattress to find the space beside him vacant and cold. He sprung up, momentarily blacking out before throwing his legs over the side of the bed and getting up. He roamed their apartment, looking for any sign of Jim and stood in front of the bathroom door. He held his breath and heard Jim’s soft hiccups through the sliding door.

“Jim?” Leonard called out softly. “Jim, I’m right here, don’t lock yourself out. Please.”

Leonard drew in a gulp of air and tried to slide the door open. Except Jim had it locked.

“Open the door, Jim.”

No response.

“Just—tell me you’re okay. Tell me you’re not doing something stupid in there. Give me anything, Jim, please,” Leonard rested his forehead against the cool barrier.

Nothing.

“Open this damn door or God help me I will break it down,” Leonard bellowed.

Silence, then a gentle swish.

“I’m coming in,” Leonard announced.

“No,” Jim wheezed, curling more into himself on the floor. “Bones, _no_.”

“It’s okay, Jim, it’s okay, it’s just me,” Leonard advanced with caution.

“ _No!_ ”

Leonard stopped short, a couple feet away from Jim’s position. “Talk to me, darlin’.”

“I can’t,” Jim sobbed.

“Why not? I’m right here,” Leonard squatted, his knees cracking in the process.

“You remind me of him,” Jim finally said, shoving his face into his arms.

Leonard was stunned, his throat going dry and the words dying on his lips.

It’s been a week since Pike’s funeral. It was a beautiful service for another lost hero. They had asked Jim to say a few words, him being Pike’s honorary son and all. Everyone knew how close Jim and Pike were and that they had some kind of familial blood, even though they weren’t related. Just like Jim spoke about his father, the man he never got to know, George Kirk, at one of the Kelvin anniversary memorial ceremonies, he stood up at Pike’s funeral and delivered a heartfelt speech. And then he saluted the coffin. And then he went home and drank himself into oblivion.

Jim Kirk, orphaned of a father not once, but twice. Hell of a rap sheet.

“What—Jim, I don’t understand,” Leonard stuttered.

Whatever Jim’s response was came out muffled by his now wet skin. Leonard didn’t understand it.

Leonard approached Jim slowly and just as was about to place his hand on Jim’s shoulder, the younger man flinched before they even touched. Leonard retracted his arm quickly, getting the hint.

“Okay, okay, I get it, I won’t do that again. Would you mind if I just…sit here? You don’t have to speak, I just…don’t want you to be alone.”

Jim’s silence was his answer. Since he didn’t voice his disapproval, Leonard nodded, settling down on the floor across from Jim.

Leonard’s eyes trailed towards the ceiling and noticed sparkly silver specks dancing above him, having no idea how much time had passed since he found Jim. They looked like stars.

Leonard huffed quietly.

“What?” Jim mumbled.

“Hmm?” Leonard let his head fall back down, looking at Jim.

“What?” Jim sniffed, lifting his head from its nest among his arm.

“Nothing, just…do those look like stars to you?” He pointed upwards, darting his head back up.

Jim followed his action and stared for a while. “Yeah, I guess they do. Never noticed them before.”

“Me either.”

Jim sighed. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to…”

Leonard shook his head before Jim could continue. “You’ve got nothing to be sorry for. I shouldn’t have jumped you.”

“I didn’t mean it that way,” Jim clarified. “He convinced me to join Starfleet, well, more like dared me and…”

“Dared you? What’s that about?” Leonard frowned.

“I never told you the story?”

“No.”

“He found me in a bar. Uhura was there, and I got into a fight, naturally of course. He stopped it just when it was getting fun.”

“And by ‘getting fun’ you mean you getting your ass handed to you?” Leonard cocked his head to the side, challenging.

“He knew who I was and of course, my father was brought up. And that’s where the dare comes in. ‘Your father was captain of a starship for twelve minutes. He saved eight hundred lives, including your mother's and yours. I dare you to do better’,” Jim recited from memory. “I told him I’d finish the Academy in three years, instead of four.”

“And you did,” Leonard nodded.

“That was a good fight,” Jim recalled, then his eyes began to water again.

“What?”

“Before the attack, after they took her from me, you know where I went. Pike found me, we uh, reminisced on the good old days and he told me they gave her back to him. And then he told me I would be his First Officer,” Jim’s voice broke off.

Leonard’s face eased, his eyes filling with understanding and empathy. He moved forward, slipping beside Jim and was grateful when the other man didn’t pull away, instead, he threw himself into Leonard’s arms.

Leonard immediately shielded Jim, holding him tight and close, his chest vibrating with the shakes of Jim’s body. “It’s okay, Jim, it’s okay darlin’.”

“I just—it’s not fair, it’s so damn unfair. It wasn’t supposed to happen like this, it wasn’t supposed to happen at all.”

Leonard’s hand found its way into the nape of Jim’s neck and ran his hand through the short hair.

“I don’t want it, the captaincy. Not like this, I don’t want it,” Jim said.

“What?”

Jim shook his head. “First time I got it because Pike got hurt, and this time I get it because he’s…dead. I can’t. I can’t sit in that chair and pretend like I belong in it, because I don’t. Because it isn’t my chair. I have a feeling it never was.”

“Jim, how can you say that? You’re an incredible Captain, you’ve proven that.”

“Maybe it wasn’t my time to prove it. Maybe…Pike was right. Maybe I’m not ready for it. I will find that bastard and after I make that son of the bitch pay for what he’s done, that’s it, I’m out.”

“Jim, you’re not thinking straight.”

“Bones,” Jim warned.

“No, you don’t get to ‘Bones’ me right now. Are you even listening to yourself? That’s the grief talking and you know it. I won’t let you make a decision like that right now.”

“I’m not changing my mind.”

“So that’s it? You’re just gonna walk away,” Leonard said, more bitterly than he had meant.

“Yeah.”

“Shit happens, Jim and you know that. But still, we pack it up and move forward. You’ve never given up, you’ve never raised your hands and surrendered. It drove me nuts, but it’s one of the many things I love about you. You’re still full of hope and light, despite everything you’ve been through. Looking at it logically, there isn’t a single reason you should be kind or hopeful or bright or…but you are and that just shows how strong you are. You’re so, so damn strong, kid. Don’t crumble now, because if you do, I’m going down with you,” Leonard’s voice was heavy with emotion and tears. He managed to move, taking Jim’s face into his hands and looking into the blue irises. “Bring back the sparkle, because without it the world is just one ugly, messy dark place.”

Leonard watched as Jim’s face shattered, sending tears following down his tired face, staining his lips. He leaned in, brushed his lips against Jim’s salty ones and froze, allowing Jim to draw energy from his body.

Jim clutched the front of Leonard’s shirt in his fist, his knuckles going white.

“He was so proud of you, Jim,” Leonard whispered. “Don’t diminish that. He is alive inside you, his legacy will be carried on by you.”

“He deserves someone better.”

“No, Jim, he deserves you because he chose you. All those years ago, he chose _you_.”

Jim let his eyelids droop and his face to fall on Leonard’s mouth, encouraging the doctor to move his lips and plant a tender kiss to Jim’s forehead.

“You’re not alone in this, Jim,” Leonard promised. “You’ve never been.”

Ever so slowly, Jim nodded.

“How ‘bout we go back to bed?” Leonard suggested.

Jim allowed Leonard to pull him to his feet and back into their bedroom where he gently let Jim fall onto the mattress and quickly walked around to get in himself. Jim latched himself onto Leonard the moment the man was on his back, locking his arm around his chest and tucking his head on top of his beating heart.

“He brought us together,” Jim whispered.

“Hmm?”

“When I said you remind me of him, that’s why. He made us both join Starfleet and brought us together. I wouldn’t have met you if it wasn’t for him, I would have missed out on the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”

“I would have drank myself to death if I hadn’t met you,” Leonard ran his hand up and down Jim’s back.

“I guess we both owe him more than we realized,” Jim sighed.

“We are going to honor him, Jim, I promise.”

Jim lifted his head just enough to peck Leonard’s lips. “Yeah, we will.”

And they slept.

Jim took some time off after capturing Khan and returning him to Earth and was back in the Captain’s chair a year later, with Leonard back as his CMO and identical silver bands on their fingers.


End file.
